To Every Thing There is a Season
Ecclesiastes 3

To everything there is a season,
and a time to every purpose under the heaven:

  A time to be born, and a time to die;
a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;

A time to kill, and a time to heal;
a time to break down, and a time to build up;

  A time to weep, and a time to laugh;
a time to mourn, and a time to dance;

A time to cast away stones,
and a time to gather stones together;
a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;

A time to get, and a time to lose;
a time to keep, and a time to cast away;

 A time to rend, and a time to sew;
a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;

A time to love, and a time to hate;
a time of war, and a time of peace.

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8


I think I am suffering from survivors guilt, I can't take my eyes off the news of hurrican Katrina's devistation of Biloxi, it's a knife through the heart and I can not stop crying, those poor people, my heart is breaking for them, my former neighbors and friends, places I played and shopped and knew and loved, all gone, then I get mad at myself for the poor pitiful me act when I didn't lose anything and they have lost everything....I feel so helpless, I want to help in some way but know that it's basically impossible, but bills are caught up and the only thing that comes out of this pay (other than groceries and misc) is rent so I'm going to try to donate some money to either the Red Cross or see if I can find a local Biloxi charity to give to there so I know it will go to that area, I know the Red Cross will use it where they need it, but I want to help them specifically, my former home, the people I know.
  I've been feeling down the past few days again, mostly because of this, but Aiden has taken to climbing in bed with us again and sleep is a commodity that is in high demand and low supply here for me.  But on the bright side, I have my psyc evail scheduled for the 19th so I can get started on the gastric bi-pass surgery, yay! So I can be healthy and active and be around to watch my family grow, I've become obessed with that too, reading every thing I can get my hands on about it, good and bad....this will be a huge change, not just in my weight, but in every aspect of my life, less weight means more energy which means a cleaner house even! Everything will change from the clothes I wear to how active I am with Aiden to my and Chris' sex life, in a good way, and I can not wait to get this done.

Well, things are looking up a little, I haven't been as down lately as I was, I still feel pathetic most of the time  but Chris and I sat down the other day and I told him I thought I needed help, I have all the red flags of depression, hopelessness, feelings of worthlessness and that I've let people down, not being able to sleep or having days where that's all I want to do, loosing interest in things I usually enjoy, plus the things that lead to depression I've had  recently, mourning (in the past year we have lost so many people that mean so much to us, Chris' dad, my uncle Joe who was a father figure to me, my aunt Helen "Grandma Hel" my grandma Lucille), we just had a HUGE cross country move, money issues (we're a military family, there is ALWAYS money issues!), marital problems.....so yeah, we've decided it's best I get some help.
While I'm on the subject I want to tell about the thing that happend to me the other night.
I was soooo tired but couldn't sleep, Aiden was in bed with us taking up my entire side of the bed so I was sitting upright trying to sleep but couldn't, it's like I was too tired to sleep, my whole body ached and I was just weary, so I thought I would come down stairs to get some tylenol pm to help me sleep.....well, I started to get up and go into the hallway to go down stairs but all of a sudden I got really scared, there was someone, a big man, a big menacing, scary man in my hallway and he wasn't going to let me leave the bedroom, of course there was no one physically there, but I felt him none the less, I KNEW he was there and he was mad and it was like there was a voice in my head telling me it was best I just got back in bed, so I picked Aiden up and held him on my chest, pulled the covers over my head and prayed before forcing myself to go to sleep.  Well, the next day the day the more I thought about it the more I thought that had to be my angel, I have never felt any kind of dark spirit here at all and what I felt didn't feel dark, not like some I've felt, he was just menacing....well, from what I've read your angel will do whatever it takes to make sure you're safe and if it means scaring you then they will do that too.  There was a reason George (I've always called him that, maybe that's his name, maybe not) was there that night scaring me, maybe he knew how tired I was and accidents do happen when it comes to taking medication, maybe he knew that I wasn't in my right mind and would "accidently on purpose" take too many tylenol pm, whatever the case, I thank God for sending someone to watch over me that night even if it took scaring me into going back to bed and toughing it out.  Everyone I've talked to agrees that whoever or whatever was there that night may have saved my life and that it WAS my angel watching over me, the same way he has watched over me all these years .

Make yourself familiar with the angels and behold them frequently in spirit;
for without being seen, they are present with you.   
St.Francis De Sales